


silence

by wqlfstar



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Animal Death, Child Abuse, F/F, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Hanamaki Needs a Hug, M/M, Past Abuse, Smut, eventual, honestly hanamaki needs a good fuck, i honestly don't know what kind of ending this will have ur in this just as much as i am, someone please hug me i haven't slept in days, wink wink nudge nudge matsukawa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26436442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wqlfstar/pseuds/wqlfstar
Summary: Hanamaki hasn't breathed properly in years, his love for Matsukawa taking over his entire body.He really can't breathe when the flowers start choking him.Anything for Mattsun, right?Or: Makki, so desperate for something to finally stay and someone to love, starts growing Belladonna flowers in his lungs.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. http://fanpedia.com/hanahaki

**Author's Note:**

> okay okay okay so i realized that some people probably don't know what hanahaki is so i added this chapter first (please ao3 please don't screw me over. i know my body is hot but it isn't worth the struggle) & "blaze it"/chapter one will be the next chapter !!! in chapter three (which was going to be chapter two before i added this one) i'll remind y'all to come back here and brush up on your basic hanahaki textbook readings like good little matsuhana fans. most of you could probably write a hanahaki fic in your sleep though,,,, however, i will take that as a sign that you just really like mine :,)
> 
> THE ACTUAL WRITING BEGINS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER. THIS CHAPTER YOU CAN SKIP IF WANTED.

**_Hanahaki Disease- FanPedia_ **

**The term Hanahaki derives from the Japanese words** **_hana_ ** **, meaning "flower", and** **_hakimasu_ ** **, meaning "to throw up". It's fitting, as it's a fictional disease where the symptomatic character throws up flower petals.**

**Usually born out of unrequited love, this fandom disease originated in manga, and has quite a few knockoffs. Such as crying stardust until you go blind, slowly not being able to use your body anymore out of mental pain, and more.**

**In the Hanahaki fandom, if the disease is left untreated, the character could die from not being able to breathe from the blockage in their lungs. The only way to get rid of the Hanahaki Disease is to either fall out of love or have the unrequited lover fall into love with them. Some fandoms say surgical removal is possible, and others argue that that could render the character without the ability to love ever again.**

**Stage One: Coughing up blood and a singular flower. It marks the start of coughing up petals in the next stage**   
**and also tells you what your flower is.**

**Stage Two: Coughing up blood and flower petals every few days. Slight fatigue. Pain in the lungs.**

**Stage Three: Vomiting. Coughing blood, whole flowers, and their petals. Exhaustion. Heavier pain in the lungs. Rotting teeth. Shortness of breath.**

**Stage Four: Vomiting.** **Coughing blood, whole flowers, and their petals. Losing basic motor functions. Heaviest pain in the lungs by far. Shortness of breath. Loss in appetite.**

**Stage Five: Death.**

**The flower in the Hanahaki disease is symbolic, and tells you what your pain represents. For example, if you have daisies, they represent purity and innocence. Sunflowers are unconditional love. If you have those, things could go either way for you. We're rooting for you down at FanPedia!**

**Some of the harsher flowers are Aconite, which is hatred and cautiousness. Or Butterfly weeds, which means "leave me". If you have Butterfly weeds springing out of your mouth, consider that your warning!**

**(** **But** **IMO: the angstier the better :D)**

**_ Click here for a masterpost of Hanahaki fics! _ **

**_comments: 1,237_ **   
**_likes: 8,302_ **   
**_dislikes: 501_ **

**_fuckmeuptendo:_ ** **okay but u did NOT have to include the "render the character without the ability to love ever again" i JUST finished this one fic about tendo x ushijima &,,,, lemme link it rq**

 **_seroismybaby:_ ** **idk why but i love it when the character dies in these types of fics. like the angst is so good.**

 **_pleasedontmentionmypfp:_ ** **Kinda tired of this trope ngl. It hurts me so bad when they throw up for the first time and are so confused &/or heartbroken. Maybe I just read it too much and it's run its course?**

 **_placeboqueen:_ ** **go follow me on ig (same username !!) for some hanahaki fanart !! i cried while drawing it**

 **_ghostofyou:_ ** **gah. why is everyone commenting angst ? does anyone else like the fluff ? like. c'mon guys. it's so cute when they finally get together !!!**

 **_barnacleboysslut:_ ** **okay but i agree with** **_ghostofyou._ ** **the fluff is so good ! and the smut ?? you guys SUCK**

 **_yamagucky:_ ** ***raises hand slowly* i also like the slow burn smut**

 **_ghostofyou:_ ** ***lowers your hand* ur a yams stan u aren't allowed to know what smut is**

 **_ghostofyou:_ ** **thamk u** **_barnacleboysslut_ ** **!! the fluff really is so good ! i love it sm !!! (and maybe the smut as well hnghh)**

 **_seroismybaby:_ ** **commenting again bc angst is SUPREME.**

 **_barnacleboysslut: seroismybaby_ ** **babe !! u have to understand that the fluff at the end of angst is just. superior. it's not personal it's just that ur opinion sucks**

 **_seroismybaby:_ ** **okay but u know that feeling when it's a slow burn,,, all the cards are laid,, u can feel the churning in your gut as you know there's about to be some cutesy shit about to happen ? the protagonist is about to confess ?**

 **_barnacleboysslut:_ ** **hm. continue**

 **_seroismybaby:_ ** **& ur waiting for the fluff,, everything is almost too perfect,, when the unsuspecting protagonist is hit with a WABAM OF FUCKING BLOOD ALL OVER THAT MOTHERFUCKER !! ROSE PETALS IN THE LUNGS & THEY JUST KNOW THAT THEIR LOVE IS UNREQUITED !! SO WHAT CAN THEY DO ?? IT'S NOT LIKE THEY CAN CONFESS ?? IT'S UNREQUITED !! THEY CAN'T TELL THEIR FRIEND WHY THEY'RE COUGHING ** **FUCKING GARDENIAS** **,, IT'LL BE OBVIOUS !! they're just going to have to stick it out & hopefully not die along the journey of self realization !! maybe,, just maybe,,, they'll fall in love !**

 **_barnacleboysslut:_ ** **,,,,,**

 **_barnacleboysslut:_ ** **i'm on team angst now**

 **_ghostofyou:_ ** **0.0 me too**

**_ read more comments _ **


	2. blaze it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: child abuse, description of blood and vomit, animal abuse, animal death
> 
> hnghhgh so this is chapter two now for reasons stated in the notes of chapter one. i'll probably say them again in chapter three if you're curious but too lazy to go back and check. anyway !!! if you have virtual learning in sixteen minutes and five college assignments due at midnight but you also have so many ideas for your five ongoing fanfic clap your hands ! *THUNDEROUS CLAPPING PINPOINTED SOMEWHERE FROM THE POOR WRITER'S ROOM* spoiler alert: he's crying and his cheeks are unstoppable 
> 
> oh. haha. fourteen minutes.

**_Two birds on a wire_ **

**_One tries to fly away_ **

**_And the other watches him close from that wire_ **

**_He says he wants to as well_ **

**_But he is a liar_ **

***

Hanamaki wasn't in love. He wasn't the type for those things, after all. More of a hit it and quit it, insert the peen then flee the scene, blow his load and hit the road kind of guy if he did say so himself. He even had the boisterous friends, the once in a lifetime breed (the ones who are a little too involved in your love life for you to be comfortable with pursuing anything, for fear of _oh, you're friends with Oikawa too?)._

He mostly hung around his best friend- much to Oikawa and Sugawara's delight- Matsukawa. Matsukawa was the only one in his friend group who could keep up with Hanamaki's "over the top" (Iwaizumi was one to talk, he was dating Oikawa, after all) humor and all around hilarious jokes. He spit pun after scenario back to Makki with ease, the only thing getting him slightly worried was when Makki brought up pranking Iwaizumi. (Which, understandable. But also, _pussy_.)

Matsukawa could play with him all day- _shut the fuck up, Oikawa_ \- and they'd never get tired of their easy banter or even each other. There was just something so easy, so right about Matsukawa, it made Hanamaki feel more aware of himself (the heaviness of his tongue, the twitch of his hand, the too blunt expressions laying across his face), though completely oblivious to everything else other than the Shrek joke coming out of Matsukawa's mouth.

Despite what Fucking Oikawa and Sugawara and sometimes Iwaizumi and Daichi and Hinata and Kageyama and Kindaichi and Kunimi- okay, so maybe he could keep going with names forever- said, he wasn't in love with Matsukawa. He wasn't. He couldn't be. They were friends, destined to be best men at each other's weddings (or, at least Matsukawa's), roommates traveling Europe someday, and people who they told their crush problems to. Not had crushes on.

Hanamaki couldn't, under any circumstances, be in love with Matsukawa.

And that was what he believed for years, until the first blood stained Belladonna petal fluttered from his lips, landing on the concrete below him. If Matsukawa had noticed, he hadn't said anything, and opted to keep walking. And if Hanamaki stopped then it would seem like something was wrong. So Hanamaki, master of taking everything lightly, stepped on the petal to grind it in the ground. Hiding it.

He hadn't noticed, but an old woman manning a shop nearby had given him a sad, sad smile. So did two men on the sidewalk and a teenage girl reading manga on the bench they had just passed by.

Hanamaki, master of tight lipped pain, kept walking, ignoring the ache in his chest and huddled further inside his jacket.

Belladonnas meant silence.

Who was he to disappoint?

***

Hanamaki had forgotten about the dumb- nay, _bullshit_ \- Belladonna debacle from two weeks ago until he went down to the shop in the morning, and he had a new shipment of- you guessed it- Belladonnas. He grumbled to himself as he stepped inside the store, locking the front door as he went because he couldn't handle someone else in the room at that moment.

Of course, he knew about the fabled Hanahaki disease. First of all, the amount of jokes Matsukawa had made about the similarities to his name were _astounding._ Secondly, he ran a flower shop. He got all kinds of fangirls and people with the actual disease and curious shoppers for him to not read up on it sometimes, to educate himself. He was one in a sea of people clamoring for information on the illness, only he wasn't doing it for his own interest, he was doing it for the shop- and it gave him much more motivation that way.

Now, he supposed, maybe he should do research on side affects and treatment; not flower meanings and cute drawings to commission for his store.

The thought of treatment made something deep in his stomach coil.

He crossed the room quickly, pinching the greeting card in one batch harshly between his fingers. He was always sent some sort of humorous writing, and he needed a distraction. He most likely left an bubble imprint where he gripped the paper tightly. _Hullo, Hanamaki. New shipment, free of charge. Maybe just tip us?_ There was a winky face, and also a scarily precise drawing of the Belladonnas with some dollar signs. _Kidding. Not really. -Kuroo_

Hanamaki wondered with a small smile how many times Kuroo had to get out a new card because he messed up his art before finally getting Kenma to do it for him. After getting out some stationary- he had to have some for the shop, _fuck off, Iwaizumi-_ he began writing a return letter to Kuroo.

 _Dearest Kuroo-Babe,_ he started off, letting his mind go wild from there. By the end of it, there were lewd doodles and Sanrio stickers and a very accurate- too accurate- drawing of Kenma in an schoolgirl uniform on the back. Makki hoped he enjoyed the free spank bank material, the freeloader.

By the time Hanamaki had the envelope sealed and in his mailbox, he had forgotten about the dozens of Belladonnas sitting on his counter. Still, when he turned, they were sitting there, pretty as ever. Not covered in blood. His shoulders immediately drooped, all signs of amusement gone.

Was the universe fucking shushing him or something?

Shrugging the thought away- Hanamaki didn't have time to wallow, the shop opened in thirty minutes- he plucked a shoddy bouquet out of the masses and began fixing it up, ruffling leaves to make them lively and picked a few decaying petals off the poor dead ones. After trimming and spraying water on all of them, he finally had all of them up and in stock.

It was one minute until opening. Sweeping up the excess flowers in under thirty seconds was easy. Trying to wipe the dirt off himself was not. His alarm rang, and he dutifully opened the door... Only to see Oikawa himself standing outside his shop.

Makki closed the door immediately. Iwaizumi stopped him halfway, nudging it open with _only his goddamn knee, what the fuck._

"No." Hanamaki shook his head. "No."

Oikawa held up a bejeweled left hand in the crevice of the door and grinned, stepping into the sliver of openness and making Makki back up. He didn't want to be in close proximity to the currently vain and prideful devil. "Yes."

He couldn't even find it within himself to be happy for them. His heart did a funny pang, but it was different than normal. It was physically painful. Like what you would feel before a cough or a sneeze or... almost what he felt before he threw up that flower.

"No. Not here." Hanamaki tried again. They knew he wasn't talking about keeping their gay under wraps, but just keeping _Oikawa_ himself under wraps.

Hanamaki hadn't been expecting to see them, and he would feel too much like shit to tell them to leave. He couldn't handle everything- Hanahaki, this feeling in his stomach, and now his friends getting married- today. It was like instead of one singular shark in the water, there was a family of them, intent on ripping Makki to shreds. Makki, who could barely swim in these blood infested waters.

But the man kept walking around, and Hanamaki had to let him. He couldn't kick someone who would most likely buy something out of his shop. That was just bad for business. Iwaizumi was eyeing him, looking as worried as a stoic face could. Hanamaki didn't like that, and was now rethinking the kicking out rule. "What? See something you like, Iwa-chan?"

Iwaizumi opened his mouth to say something, but Oikawa beat him to it, whirling away from the new stock- the Belladonnas, of course- and throwing a bony finger up at Hanamaki. "No! Only I get to call him that! Tell him, Iwa-chan!"

"I think we should go, Oikawa." At the sound of his real name and not the oh-so-refined _Shittykawa_ , he frowned. So did Makki, but for other reasons.

"Is something wrong?"

Hanamaki couldn't stand their domesticity. Any other day but today. He couldn't feel his chest anymore, not quite, and he had a feeling that Iwaizumi could see right through his carefully created facade.

Iwaizumi turned to Oikawa, an expression Makki hadn't ever seen before etched across his face. Oikawa seemed to understand. "I think the brunch is getting to me."

Or maybe not.

 _So a look of... constipation?_ Oikawa just nodded like one would bob their head to the beat of the music. Hanamaki didn't like the look of understanding between them. Did they shit with the door open or something? "Yeah, I get you. That _cheese_. Lactose intolerance is no joke!"

Oikawa grabbed onto Iwaizumi like a leech and dragged him to the front of the shop. Iwaizumi offered Hanamaki a sad smile over his shoulder, making it felt like all the air was knocked out of Makki. _What the fuck?_

"We'll just stop by some other time to get your op. on flowers!" Oikawa called back, throwing open the door.

"Please stop abbreviating things!" Hanamaki yelled after him, regaining some collectedness. "You're going to scare away my customers!"

Iwaizumi held it open for Oikawa, letting him step through first. "We'll have to cancel brunch tomorrow to do that." He told Oikawa as if Hanamaki hadn't ever spoken.

"Hm. It's doable. You're just gonna have to skip the gym afterwards so I can..." The door swung shut behind the retreating couple, and Hanamaki was finally alone again.

It wasn't long before he started texting Matsukawa.

**(9:38 am) babe we should cancel brunch tomorrow to go heckle makki and pick out flowers for our gay wedding**

The reply came immediately.

_(9:39 am) i'll take shit oikawa says to iwaizumi during sex for 300_   
_(9:39 am) aw, they're getting married ? i'll send them an engagement present_

**(9:40 am) taking another visit to the sex shop this month are we ?**

_(9:42 am) if you think i'm buying them anything more than smurf merchandise, you're grimly mistaken_   
_(9:43 am) the sex shop trips are for us and us only_

**(9:43 am) aw babe :( you want to spice up our sex life ? is me calling you daddy not enough for you ?**

_(9:44 am) sadly, no, it will never be enough, i need to hear it 24/7. like music to my ears_

Three new customers walked inside the shop, so Hanamaki couldn't respond to Matsukawa. He reluctantly put his phone down and turned to them.

"Hi. Welcome to Hana Pink, can I help you?"

It took twenty minutes and five bouquets of yellow roses later, but the group finally left and Makki slouched back in his chair behind the front desk. When he picked up his phone again, he blanched at the new message waiting for him there.

_(9:46 am) tell me why oikawa and iwaizumi are standing on my doorstep looking two trick or treaters who haven't gotten any candy_

_But didn't Iwaizumi say...?_ Makki felt the smallest bit of betrayal at his friends. Even if he had wanted them gone.

**(9:59 am) ain't nothing but a headache ?**   
**(10:00 am) they just left me so it makes sense they went to go bother you**

_(10:04 am) haha yeah_

Something in Hanamaki's chest tightened at the half reply.

_(10:04 am) sorry, they just won't leave_   
_(10:05 am) i'm getting sex tips from oikawa, who is clearly a bottom_

**(10:05 am) are you saying you absolutely wouldn't take any sex tips from me**

_(10:06 am) declaring yourself a bottom ? bold move_   
_(10:06 am) i'm saying that oikawa has only ever been with iwaizumi_

**(10:07 am) uhm ?? now you're calling me a WHORE ?? thanks mattsun**

_(10:08 am) baby, we both know my dick is the only one that can sate you_

In real-time, Hanamaki's face flushed pinker than his hair. It should've been telling, but it wasn't. Hanamaki was also the master of obliviousness.

**(10:08 am) another bold move**

_(10:09 am) you know me ;) all about pleasing you_

And if Makki jerked off later that night to Matsukawa's text messages on screen- dutifully ignoring the missed calls from Oikawa and Sugawara and his real mom- who was gonna know?

***

Hanamaki was coughing again. It wasn't new, but this time it felt like something was clawing at his throat, a demon inside him begging to be released. He dry heaved over his toilet, nearly pushing over into hyperventilation when something came up.

Blood. So much blood. It came out of his mouth like vomit, showering the inside of the porcelain and possibly staining it. His teeth were going to be ruined by week two. He tried not to cry as it left his throat, but it pained him even more so when Belladonna flowers accompanied it. The violet petals landed softly in the water at first. It took a few hours, but then he started coughing up the entire plant too.

He thought he was going to suffocate right there on his bathroom floor.

He was having a panic attack, for sure. The dry heaving over the toilet turned into regular Not Being Able To Breathe, and Makki was sure that if he didn't flush his toilet right then that the ambulance (his neighbors would probably call when the smell of his corpse got too bad. Probably) would inform all his friends of his gargantuan crush on Matsukawa just by one look in the loo.

That spurred a whole new fear on, and Hanamaki fumbled for the handle through his tears and shaky hands. _Please don't let me die here, please don't let me die here, please don't let me die here._ Half the strange concoction- _soup,_ Makki thought weakly- managed to go down the toilet before a singular flower stopped up the drain. Makki's previous alarm dissipated and suddenly a new, white hot tendril of dread wrapped around his heart.

He shakily got to his feet and reached for his plunger with cold fingers. _No, no, no, no..._ He ripped up the blooms with careful precision, and flushed the toilet. It went down. _Thank god._ A noise erupted from behind the tank. Red and petals flooded back into the previously clear water. Makki felt the dread squeeze. _No. No, no, no-_

After three flushes, it was certain the _soup_ wouldn't go back down. He contemplated calling a plumber, but he knew he would get weird stares and they would overcharge him. He owned a flower shop, not a chain of restaurants. He could barely afford his lease and feeding himself every month, let alone the equivalent of two month's of groceries just to flush his toilet.

So he called the next best thing.

"You want me to fix your toilet?" Daichi unloaded his tools on the rickety table that Sugawara was sitting on top of. The table that Hanamaki ate on. The table that would forever have Sugawara's ass imprinted on it.

"Yes." Hanamaki couldn't even make a joke about what else Daichi could fix in his apartment- spoiler alert: he broke his bed ages ago with some London tourist- because he felt like he was about to throw up again. He wasn't quite sure if it was because Daichi was about to see the flowers in his toilet, or because he had some in his lungs.

Daichi looked surprised at the lack of a quip. (Makki had asked him to fix his life before. Daichi was used to his jokes.) "Oh- okay. Sugawara can take a look at it if you want, I usually do woodwork."

"No! No, it's fine. I want you to do it." Sugawara was close with Oikawa. Oikawa was close with Matsukawa. Sugawara was a blabber. There was a trail and Hanamaki couldn't afford anyone else besides tight lipped Sawamura to handle his secret. He was infamous in their friend group for having a crush on Sugawara since they were five. (They got together their _last year_ of high school.)

Daichi furrowed his eyebrows. Sugawara didn't look offended, rather looking excited at the prospect of seeing his boyfriend's muscles while he flexed in front of a toilet. _The day I'm excited to see a toilet,_ Makki thought with a small smirk. _Shoot me._

"Let's get to work, big boy!" Sugawara clapped his hands together and hopped off the table. _Finally. My food won't taste like ass._

"Actually, I took a big shit before I broke the pipes." Hanamaki explained, holding a hand out to stop Sugawara. Sugawara froze, a new look coming across his previously elegant features. _Ah, yes, disgust. I'm used to that one._ "So maybe you wanna sit this one out, _big boy_."

Sugawara pouted before plopping his ass back down onto the table. It creaked, and Makki prayed it wouldn't tumble. _Suga's ass might be that powerful. To break through wood._

He sniggered to himself as he was lead to the bathroom, forgetting what was awaiting until Daichi froze in the doorway and muttered a single, "Shit."

Hanamaki stopped in his tracks behind the man, laughter evaporating in the air. He waited a beat before saying, "That's actually blood, Daichi. But it was a good guess."

Daichi whirled around. Hanamaki flinched, but there was nothing giving on his face. It was carefully void of any emotion, and Makki had a sneaking suspicion that Daichi had to learn how to do that for Sugawara. "Are you... Do you have Hanahaki?"

It was as if someone slapped Makki across the face. That was his _first_ guess? "Did you?"

Daichi looked away for a moment, the block slipping off his face. Hanamaki knew his own face had to look similar- too guarded, though caught by surprise. They mirrored each other for a moment, before Daichi relaxed. Makki stayed glued to the spot. "For a week."

"Are you sure it wasn't the flu?" Hanamaki asked with a frown. Daichi laughed a little and turned away. He began working on the toilet, but Hanamaki knew the conversation wasn't finished. "Hanahaki is life long."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is." Daichi agreed. Hanamaki nearly growled. He hopped up onto the counter a few feet away from where Daichi was kneeling.

"So?"

Daichi sighed, popping the lid off the tank as he did. "So I told Sugawara."

 _Sugawara..._ "You told him about Hanahaki?"

"I told him I was in love with him." Daichi said, reaching down inside the back of the toilet. Daichi grimaced. _Yeah, I wouldn't wanna touch my toilet either._

"But not about the Hanahaki?"

Daichi turned to him, nearly throwing his shoulder out. "Jesus Christ, Makki. I told him everything. Are you that cynical?"

Before Hanamaki could form a response inside his floundering mind, Daichi went back to the tank. He flushed it, the noise cutting over everything Makki could've said, and it all went down that time.

Daichi walked up beside him to wash his hands at the sink. They were quiet for a moment, a rarity for Makki, who was feeling uncharacteristically tired and a heaven for Daichi, who had to live with Sugawara.

"You really wouldn't have needed to call a plumber, you know." Daichi reprimanded. "That would've been a waste of money. I'll link you some YouTube videos."

Makki didn't know what to say. He shrugged, hoping it would come off as thankful and not rude.

"Belladonnas, right?" Daichi asked after a minute, when he had all his crap packed up and ready to go. He was a little more somber now. His grip on his toolbox was delicate, and Hanamaki thought that Sugawara was lucky that he had Daichi to hold him at night.

Makki nodded, unsure of where he was going with that.

"It's like no matter what you do, you're always told to bite your tongue, huh, Makki?" Daichi's sentence was rhetorical. Yet Hanamaki responded to it with another sharp twang in his chest. _How did he..._

Daichi clapped Makki on the shoulder, stepped around him, and threw a, "I'll see you around," over his shoulder.

Hanamaki should've stopped him then, confirmed with him that he wouldn't tell Sugawara anything they had discussed. Ask him how the hell he knew about the louder than screaming silence that used to fill his house.

But pain filled Hanamaki's torso, and he knew that the second wave was just beginning.

***

When Hanamaki was seven, he found an injured bird outside his house.

He had been on his way home from the bus stop, and he nearly stepped on the poor thing as he came up the drive. It was raining, and it wasn't like he had a phone to call animal services on. So he cupped his pale hands around the squawking thing as an attempt to warm her up. He walked as steadily as he could go the rest of the way to his house, not wanting to jostle the poor thing.

He petted her as they walked, talking to her the entire time about everything he could think of. "There's this really cool girl in my classes. Name's Kiyoko. She hates me because of my dad. Her dad is chief of police." He said the last part like it explained everything. It was how she said it, at least.

They stopped in front of the door a few minutes later. They were shielded from the rain, so he could afford to pause for a moment, just to debrief. "This is us. Please, Daisy-chan, _please_ don't make any noises." The bird chirped. Whether it was to be defiant or in agreement, Hanamaki didn't know. The door opened anyway, and inside they went.

_The poor lamb into the lion's den._

They sneakily made their way through the house, bypassing his dad knocked out on the couch, and all the way to Hanamaki's room. He sighed in relief when closed the door behind them, and set the bird on his desk. A few drops of red fell onto his school papers. She squealed.

"Oh, Daisy!" He crooned in his best doctor voice. "You can call me Makki-sensei!" The bird did not find that funny. "I'll go get us some towels. _Stay here_." She didn't laugh at that, either.

He left the room as quietly as he could and entered the bathroom a few doors down. He dampened some toilet paper to clean off his new pet with, but he heard something that made him stop in his tracks.

" _Takahiro! What the fuck is this_?" A voice boomed from down the hall. Hanamaki hadn't heard him wake up. But that shout could be about anything, couldn't it? The dishes, the television or AC being on, the needles now in the trashcan...

He dropped the wet toilet paper in the sink and slunk down the hall, expecting to find his father sitting up on the couch. He was, instead, standing in Hanamaki's doorway, holding the round bird tightly in his fist. She squeaked, sounding scared now.

Hanamaki, knowing what was coming, was just as terrified.

"I told you to be _quiet_ , Takahiro." Sadao, Hanamaki's father, spat with venom in his low, rumbling voice. It sent tremors through Hanamaki. "And what did you do? I mean, what the _fuck_ is this?"

Hanamaki couldn't breathe. "She's injured, Dad."

Sadao laughed. "Injured. Well, Takahiro, the brave thing to do would be to put the damn thing out of its misery, now wouldn't it?"

And Hanamaki felt the weight of the universe collapse onto him. All he had to do was _stay silent, Takahiro_. Maybe he wouldn't get shoved around so much. Maybe others- like Daisy- wouldn't have to cushion the fall for him. Soften the blows.

"Please." He said, futilely. Sadao was already walking towards the bathroom. Hanamaki was just frozen there. " _Please_..."

Sadao reached back to grab him by his collar. He nearly gagged and fell backwards, but he knew that if he did that then he would have a worse fate than the bird. He followed behind, wishing more than anything that he was anywhere other than there.

Sadao scoffed at the mess in the sink, picking it up and throwing it at Hanamaki without a word. He caught it against his chest, but it still soaked his shirt. Sadao set the bird on the counter. She couldn't fly away, just like Hanamaki. Just like Hanamaki, they both felt sorry for the other.

At least her pain would be over soon.

Sadao picked up the hair shears and lifted up her wing. She let out a shrill scream that would haunt Takahiro for years. With no hesitation, he cut her wing off. She let out a smaller noise before stopping completely, staring up at Makki with wide, glossy eyes.

Sadao held out the scissors to Hanamaki. "Cut it. The other one."

She was losing a lot of blood. No one would be able to save her in time. It was either let her die now with no more pain, or make her bleed out on his bathroom counter.

His dad was just waiting for him to make the wrong move.

 _Her._ Makki thought as he took the scissors, tears in his own eyes. _Her name is Daisy._

And then he killed her.

Silence, as Hanamaki had learned, time and time again, was a virtue.

***

Not being in love with Matsukawa was further prodded and tested when the man himself showed up at Makki's shop with McDonald's. Hanamaki figured that everyone could be gay for their friends- just a little bit- when Mattsun pulled a large Sprite out of his ass and handed it over to Hanamaki.

Makki moaned around the fizzy liquid he was slurping down. "God, Mattsun, you fucking minx. You can't just show up to my shop and seduce me in the middle of the day. We might get charged with public indecency."

"I know _you_ will. But my dick is perfectly decent." Matsukawa said with a grin, biting into his own burger. Makki snorted. "Are you saying I should come and seduce you at night?" He added, after a second, "And come then, too?"

"Haha." Makki tossed his cheeseburger wrapper at him, taking a bite out of the food with his other hand. Mattsun caught the trash and swiftly threw it away. "Yes, yes, make fun of my love for McDonald's."

"And here I thought you were just excited to see me. What a fool I am." Matsukawa polished off his food in record time. He licked the grease off his fingers, and Makki felt his heart speed up.

"Maybe we're both fools." Hanamaki said under his breath, between bites of a sandwich that didn't taste as good anymore.

"Hmm? What did you-" The bell at the door jingled, cutting Mattsun off and thankfully saving Makki. What Hanamaki wasn't as thankful for, though, was that Oikawa and Iwaizumi walked through the door. Sugawara, Hinata, and Kenma weren't far behind.

 _Oh, great._ Makki thought with a small scowl. _Four people who can sniff out bullshit faster than Mattsun can eat a burger and their scary, though very adorable son. Just what I needed today._

"I've almost missed Kenma." Matsukawa spoke quietly to Hanamaki, who leaned in closer to hear. "He helped me prank Kuroo one time in high school."

"Ooh? What did you do?" Hanamaki was interested to hear about the blond in a way that wasn't intimidating. Kuroo talked about him sometimes, and from what Makki had heard, he really didn't want Kenma to know about the drawing from a few weeks ago.

"We put bleach in his shampoo." Matsukawa told him, a small smirk tugging at his lips. It sent heat straight to Makki's stomach. "How were we supposed to know he showered so much?"

Makki burst into laughter, causing a few of the nearby five to look up at them. He didn't pay attention to them. "Damn, Mattsun! Did his hair fall out?"

"Some of it." Matsukawa confirmed, still doing that one smile. If Hanamaki got a hard on in his own store with so many of his friends here... He would never live it down. Especially if Mattsun was the source of said boner.

But it wasn't like he hadn't thought about Matsukawa like that before. _But he didn't have a crush._

Makki needed to stop thinking. And a drink.

Oikawa and Sugawara- what a duo- strode up to the counter, looking pleased for some reason. Hanamaki knew that wasn't a good thing. "Hello, Hana-san."

Hanamaki was going to throw Sugawara out of his store.

"Aren't you supposed to be helping us pick out flowers and doing your job as shop owner?" Oikawa asked, batting his eyelashes playfully. It made him look like he had an infection. "But by all means, stay here and keep flirting with Mattsun!"

Oikawa too. He had to go.

From beside him, Matsukawa laughed. "Yeah, Makki. Stop flirting with me and just fuck me already." Makki couldn't feel his chest again. "Oh, wait, I would be doing the fucking, wouldn't I? Not that either of us mind."

It was sad, the way the Hanahaki disease was triggered when he felt horny. Or maybe it was when he felt horny from Matsukawa? Either way, he felt the flowers in his throat. The metallic taste of blood on his tongue. If he opened his mouth, he would spew it everywhere and he couldn't swallow it back down. So he did what he thought was best to do in that moment. He thought back to his middle school sign language course, and moved his hands quickly in a gesture that he thought couldn't be misinterpreted. Then he sprinted for the bathroom upstairs in his apartment, leaving a stunned Mattsun in his wake.

"What a way to confess." Oikawa finally spoke, looking shocked.

"Did he run afterwards?" Sugawara glanced around. "We all knew it was coming, but we didn't know he'd be going."

They turned to Mattsun, who was just sitting there, mouth agape. Still.

"Did he just sign _I love you_?"

***

Matsukawa had always been confident with himself. His personality, his appearance, his friends, his job, his daily routine, just life in general. It was all easy to him. Or, at least, he thought he had it easy until his best friend signed a sloppy confession and hauled ass. _When did Makki even learn sign language?_

Maybe life wasn't exactly on beginner mode. No, it definitely wasn't because if it were, Hanamaki would've confessed years ago. Assuming that he liked Mattsun years ago. But in this easily defined alternate universe, Matsukawa said that he did, just for the sake of tears and dramatics. And his teenage self esteem.

In this universe, he was just thankful Makki liked- _loved_?- him now.

And today was the day he was going to confess right back to him.

***

Hanamaki had narrowly avoided confrontation the other day, because when he got back downstairs, everyone had evacuated. Shrugging, he had gotten back to work.

He hadn't heard from Matsukawa in two days before he showed up again, this time with Kageyama and Daichi, who looked like he might just gloat. It was not an exciting combination.

Kageyama looked bored as he perused the shop. Makki wondered absently if he was going to deviate from roses this time. The attention shifted to the other two as Daichi and Mattsun strode up to the counter, Matsukawa hopping up to sit up next to the cash register, and Daichi leaning on the space next to it.

They both stared at Makki for a long time. Long enough that Hanamaki squirmed under their heavy gazes. "Spit it out, Wonder Twins." He finally said.

Mattsun held up a hand, showing him the Makki Japanese Sign Language symbol for bathroom. Or, really, in non-crazy land, _I_ _love you._ Makki looked at it, then back up at Mattsun, confused. "Bathroom? Bro, just go upstairs. You know I won't make you use the customer one. You don't even have to ask. Especially not if you have to take a shit."

Mattsun cocked his head. Daichi understood immediately (he lived with _Sugawara_ ) and tried to grab Mattsun's attention. He couldn't. "What?"

"This symbol? Oh, are you asking me what it means? Because I used it the other day?" Makki grinned. Daichi nearly smacked both of them because you _dumbasses_. "I can't believe you don't know what it means. It means bathroom. Didn't you take sign language in middle school too? Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?"

And it clicked for Mattsun then, too.

That he was in love with an idiot.

And that idiot did not love him back.

***

After Mattsun and Daichi left, Kageyama paid for his bright orange roses- what a shock- with a scowl on his face and a hefty tip to buy Makki's silence. Hanamaki barely charged him, basically pushing the young adult out of his store- Kageyama was glad for it, at any rate- and rushed to the customer bathroom. He wouldn't make it to his own upstairs.

After five minutes of dry heaving, he gave it up and returned back to the storefront, plastering a big smile across his bloody face.

***

"You know, every time I come in here, I never get anything done." Oikawa said, sifting through various Marigolds. Makki cringed at the way his calloused hands held _the poor babies, oh god._

"It's probably because you're too busy pestering me." Hanamaki shooed him away from the display, yanking the flowers away from the wicked man. He whispered sweet nothings to them as he put them back in their holders.

Oikawa watched him with a shit eating grin. "Yeah? Well, you get to text Matsukawa after it every time to give him a play by play so maybe the situation isn't as bad as you think."

"I most definitely won't be telling him that." Makki snarked, just to get him going. Oikawa stomped his foot like a teenager in a bad sitcom.

"Makki!"

"What are we talking about?" _Oh, great, Oikawa's less evil twin has arrived_ , Hanamaki thought as Iwaizumi shrugged off his dripping jacket. Through the windows, he could see it pouring rain outside. Makki was thankful his bed was only upstairs. 

"We're talking about how Hanamaki is clearly in love with Matsukawa." Oikawa clarified for him. Makki waited for Iwaizumi's verdict, because Iwaizumi was basically God when it came down to observations. (Not that Hanamaki would listen if it were anything he didn't like.)

"I think Matsukawa is the better Kawa." Iwaizumi said finally, walking away before Oikawa could digest what that meant. _Mic fucking drop_ , Makki thought with a smirk. _Maybe I like Iwaizumi after all._

"Oh, yeah?" Oikawa called halfway across the store. It echoed. His grin was back, which was never a good thing. "Well, you had your dick up my ass last night, so I think I'm probably your _favorite_ Kawa."

Two of Hanamaki's customers hurriedly sped out, wanting to be in the rain than in the presence of Oikawa. Makki punched Oikawa in the arm, feeling the same way. "Oikawa, you fuck!"

Oikawa smirked. "Yeah, I did fuck."

When they looked back at Iwaizumi, he was blushing.

"God, is anything in my life not gay anymore?"

***

**(4:20 am) blaze it**

_(4:20 am) next time you text me at this hour no more sex_   
_(4:20 am) but haha yeah blaze it_

**(4:21 am) are you seriously trying to withhold sex from me**   
**(4:21 am) you couldn't go more than a day without sexting me**

_(4:23 am) i thought we both agreed sexting was off limits until you learn the difference between "your" and "you're" so i don't smack you in a not-so-fun way_

**(4:24 am) is there a not fun way to be smacked ?**

_(4:24 am) did you just admit that you like to be spanked ?_   
_(4:25 am) screenshotting this brb_

**(4:25 am) it's screenshit, fyi**   
**(4:25 am) AND I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU'RE AND YOUR**   
**(4:26 am) y o u ' r e just too into grammar whereas i am not**

_(4:26 am) whereas ? are you using all two of your braincells to try to impress me_   
_(4:27 am) screenshit does sound much more refined, thank you, wonder zan_

**(4:27 am) please. if anything i'm janya. my ass would look so fucking good in some spandex and you know it**

_(4:29 am) it did when we played volleyball_

Hanamaki couldn't respond, because, as he stared down at the phone illuminating his room, Matsukawa had said _that_. And Hanamaki couldn't even think about what it implied too long without getting a heavy problem in his pants and an ache in his throat.

Another message came through.

_(4:30 am) so that's a very compelling argument, mr. legs-5-days_

Somehow, he reached down through his waistband and persevered.

***

"Have you called your mom recently?" Sugawara may be just as chaotic as Tanaka, but he was still a mother hen. Hanamaki hated to know it, especially when he was trying to enjoy himself and the gray haired (not surprising, honestly) mom walked out onto the fire escape to pester him.

Hanamaki took a long drag of his cigarette, making Suga look like he wanted to smack it out of his hand. It hurt Makki's lungs a little bit, but it gave him something to do with his hands that wasn't touching himself (which hurt his lungs even more. So maybe you'd call that an impasse).

"Yeah, I have." Makki lied, stubbing out the embers and getting a new " _death stick_ " out (thanks, Mattsun, for giving the guys a new thing to say) and lighting up. "Says the girls are doing good."

"Hmm." Ennoshita said from the other side of Hanamaki. His very own death stick was halfway through, though it had just been pulled out of the pack. "Crazy how old they get when you turn your back for just a second." He said innocently to Sugawara, who scoffed.

"Ennoshita, you're not getting on my good side, you punk rock piece of shit." Suga grumbled, though he still sat down next to the man. He leaned against his leather jacket clad shoulder with a small smile. "Gah, you both stink of smoke."

"You mean we smell like Tanaka's wet dream?" Makki blew a couple rings, glancing over at Ennoshita, who went pink. "Oh, yeah, No-Shit-Ah, we see the way he undresses you with his eyes."

"Oh, shove off, Makki." Sugawara stood again, scrunching up his nose. The smell was probably getting to him. Or maybe Hanamaki's hypocrisy. "We all know you shove your hand down your pants the moment you get home from Matsukawa's."

Hanamaki opened his mouth to dispute it, but he couldn't get a word out for his entire body was on fire. "Call your mom, shithead." Sugawara told him, not commenting on his new color, and ducking back inside through the window. "She keeps calling me." With that, he shut the glass.

Ennoshita wasn't as kind. "Even your neck is red, dude."

Makki killed his cigarette on his jacket, flipping him off, and reentered the party. Daichi was talking animatedly to Asahi, Kiyoko, and Yachi in the corner; Oikawa was leaning his elbow on top of Yaku's angry looking head while Lev snickered a few feet away, taking pictures; Iwaizumi was talking with Akaashi and Kenma rather coolly, no signs of drunkenness anywhere in the group; Bokuto and Kuroo were learning an Irish dance from Hinata, who was not Irish; Kageyama was having the world's most boring conversation with Ushijima about plants and their correlation to some big word Makki didn't know; Tendo was busy convincing Sugawara, who had reappeared in the kitchen, to try some of his newest drink concoction, which looked a lot like vodka and piss with a whole strawberry floating on top.

Matsukawa was not anywhere in sight. Not that Makki was looking for him. Anyway, Hanamaki decided that that was for the better- though, what could he possibly be doing on a Saturday night? Could he have a date?- and joined Hinata's group with an unrefined taste in his mouth.

They looked confused to see him without Mattsun, but accepted him and his half finished jokes (Matsukawa usually held the key to his punchlines) either way. He learned the dance before Kuroo and Bokuto, and was proud to accept a congratulatory drink from Tendo because of it. He sat up at the bar, laughing with the three and their respective, annoyed yet fond boyfriends as Tendo whipped up more surprisingly decent concoctions.

He was probably thirty drinks in when a certain someone touched his shoulder. "That looks like piss and bartender spit." A familiar voice said behind him, reaching around him to grab one. "However, I'm not a kink-shamer, and I'll accept the free drink."

Matsukawa was pressed up against him. Hanamaki didn't breathe for fear of instant death. Mattsun's body heat and voice alike were well known to him, and he could recognize them anywhere. Then it was gone, and the man himself appeared in Makki's line of vision, sitting down in the stool beside him with the drink he had just grabbed in his fist.

"Hey, stranger." Matsukawa said with a cheeky grin. Makki took in the bags under his eyes with a grain of salt.

"Hi, baby boo." Hanamaki cooed, doing what he does best and trying to bring color back to Mattsun's face.

It worked, somewhat. His face brightened up at the small endearment. "What it do, baby boo?”

"Oh, you know what it do, honeydew."

"Not much, lemon bunch."

"Fuck you, demon cunt."

Mattsun laughed, and Makki felt pride swell up in his chest for being the one to elicit such a sound. "You wish, bish."

"Low blow. Guess I'm just gonna have to reap what I sow."

"That didn't even make sense." Matsukawa took the first swig of his _Tendo juice_ (trademark pending). "Wow, this is actually really good."

It clicked for Hanamaki that Matsukawa actually was actually holding liquor. And _drinking_ it. "Are you giving up being the good one in this relationship?"

Mattsun went pink. Makki didn't dwell. "What do you mean?"

"You just never drink." Mattsun was usually the one dragging Makki away from parties and dropping him into bed, where he would spend the next twenty four hours in a coma and Matsukawa would croon _I told you so's_ from where he was blissfully untouched somewhere in Makki's living room.

The blush ran deeper. "You noticed that?"

Makki looked at him as strangely as he could with vodka goggles on. "You're acting weird. Why're you drinking?"

Mattsun shrugged. "Maybe I just want to get rid of my edge." _Lying. He's lying._

"Your edge is the hottest part about you." _Diffuse the tension. Something's wrong._

Mattsun laughed again, but this time was wrong. Broken. Makki suddenly didn't want to be the one to pull a noise like that out of Matsukawa.

"It's not my disgustingly good looks," he said _disgustingly_ like that was all he was. Makki didn't get it. What was the punchline? "Or ability to render the male population silent after just saying one simple word to them?"

_Silent._

_Why the fuck can't you just be silent, Takahiro?_

_You stupid fuck. Be quiet. Don't make so much noise. You're giving me a headache. I just need some silence._

_Stop talking. Stop talking. STOP TALKING. You talk all the damn time. Just for once I wish I could staple your lips together instead so you would be silent. I wish you were dead instead._

Something worse bubbled up in Makki's stomach, and he knew it wasn't flowers. _Regret. Fear. Loneliness._ It made him sick.

He was going to be _sick._

Hanamaki didn't give Matsukawa a warning as he nearly fell off his seat in a haste to scramble for the toilet, the glass in his hand barely making it back onto the counter and not landing on the floor. He felt the liquid spill over onto his hand, but he ignored it. He ran past Daichi, who was now looking extremely worried.

The bathroom door didn't close behind him like he intended, but Matsukawa caught it with one hand, moving to sit beside him on the floor in front of the toilet. Makki rested his head on the seat of the toilet as he upchucked the contents of his stomach. Thank god Sugawara was an avid cleaner. (Who was he kidding? It really didn't matter to him either way. Saying that was really just for show.)

Mutsukawa held his hair back. It was a nice gesture, but his hair wasn't too terribly long. It was still nice that he didn't have to keep moving it out of his eyes. It made him feel like a girl out of a terrible sitcom- _Life's Moving Too Fast, With Hanahaki and Hanamaki!_

Mutsukawa also mumbled to him the entire time, too. "Are you okay?" He asked one time.

"Yes, of course." Hanamaki drawled as he spit into the toilet, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. The worse wasn't over yet. "What gave it away?"

"The fact that you climbed into my lap halfway through the third go made me think _oh, maybe he's getting better_." Matsukawa responded easily. Makki looked down and, sure enough, he was in Mattsun's lap. He tried not to think too hard about that so he wouldn't get something else hard.

Vomiting interrupted Makki and his totally there response.

A few minutes later, Mattsun had shifted them around a bit, so Makki could get to the toilet easier. Damn him and his thoughtfulness. Maybe Hanamaki wouldn't make it out of this without a memory for the spank bank after all.

Once his stomach had settled and his thirty drinks were swimming in the crap water, he flushed the toilet and lifted himself off of the other man. He thought he heard Mattsun make a noise, but by then the drain was gurgling so he couldn't really tell. Makki rinsed the inside of his mouth at the faucet, and Mattsun stood behind him in the mirror, watching him intently.

He crossed his eyes at him for lack of a joke. Matsukawa laughed anyway, the fucker.

"You're surprisingly good at this." Mattsun said, smiling softly. Jokingly. Familiarly. "You throw up a lot?"

"Oh, you know me," Makki thought back to Hanahaki and this morning, when he thought he was going to pass out from the sharp twinge in his chest. The punch in his gut whenever he thought about Mattsun. "It's not a true weekend unless you're hungover."

Mattsun shook his head, sighing like Makki was going to be the one who cut the moon down one day. "I've missed you."

Hanamaki paused, water trickling down his chin. "What?"

"You know, you've been gone for a few weeks and it's been weird." He said it plainly. As if Makki should have an idea in hell as to what he's talking about.

Which, maybe he does.

Could Makki have been avoiding him since Hanahaki started? They'd only hung out three times since the first Belladonna petal dropped from his lips, and that was nearly twenty times too less. Sometimes they saw each other multiple times in one day. It felt natural that they would both feel some sort of loss about it.

In different ways, of course.

Matsukawa continued. "I guess I could've reached out too, but I figured it had something to do with your parents." The parents Makki were avoiding. That single thought made him feel like a terrible person. "And you never seem to want to talk to anyone when you get upset."

A deep, cold sort of feeling settled into Hanamaki's body. Because if he were optionally quiet, didn't that mean that his dad won?

He had to brush the thought off, so he didn't make a fool of himself in front of Matsukawa.

It wouldn't have been the first time.

"Anyway. I'm reaching out. Right now. So we're going out on Saturday." Mattsun continued talking, like he hadn't said anything at all that had affected Makki.

Makki blinked up at his taller friend. "This Saturday?" He had previous plans of moping around in bed like he had done the past three Saturdays without Mattsun. But maybe he could move them around to fit Mattsun's schedule, if food were involved.

"Yeah, we can go to McDonald's."

 _Bingo._ "Like a date? Oh, Mattsun, don't make me swoon!" Makki cooed, bringing his hand around to cup Mattsun's cheek faux affectionately.

"Yeah. Exactly like a date." Mattsun's face was bright and merry, and not at all joking. He stepped backwards towards the door, and Makki's arm hovered in the air, unsure.

"Ma- Mattsun?"

"So I'll see you Saturday?" The man left without any sort of confirmation from the other, leaving Hanamaki standing in the bathroom that smelled like his own vomit.

A date? With Mattsun?

Makki's hand dropped like it was on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment if you think makki needs a hug :,) *comments-*

**Author's Note:**

> *announcer voice* are you #teamangst or #teamfluff ? *whispering* personally, i'm #teamsmut- *someone drags me away from the mic* (probably prof. mcgonagall)


End file.
